Week 98: Your Cheatin' Art

I Gave Her My Ring, but She Gave Me the Finger

If She Don't Want My Hot Dog, All She'll Get Is Beans

I'm A-truckin' My Way to Your Heart Like the Throbbin' Angioplasty Procedure That I Am

This Week's Contest was suggested independently by Jeanie DeLisi of Sterling and Kevin Cuddihy of Blacksburg, who are, to the best of our knowledge, not in any way involved with each other, though who knows what could happen now that we have officially "linked" them in print? Innuendo is a powerful tool. Anyway, Jeanie wins a freebie Naugahyde carrying case distributed to the media at the 1993 Miss America pageant, and Kevin wins an official 1993 Miss America pageant pen. Kevin and Jeanie, who we emphasize are not, so far as we know, living together in a tawdry love nest swilling cheap wine beneath an unforgiving moon, suggest coming up with titles for country music songs featuring any one or more of the following themes: cheatin', thievin', drinkin', truckin', lovin' or dogs. This is almost too easy. One of the two song titles above is real, one is made up. Can't tell which is which, can you? First Prize winner gets a lightweight jacket with the Beano company logo on it. Beano makes a product that reduces intestinal gas. The jacket is a windbreaker. GET IT???? This fine item has a value of $40. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 98, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Feb. 6. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print wonders if anyone might submit lyrics to "The Ballad of Jeanie and Kevin." Best entry wins something cheap but appealing, in a trashy sort of way. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 95, in which you were asked to reinterpret headlines appearing in The Post. Several headlines proved too juicy to resist, and produced dozens of nearly identical entries: BANKER WITHOUT PARTY TIES TO LEAD ITALY resulted in countless items about a politician lacking a colorful wardrobe. STREETS THAT ARE PAVED WITH THE POOR produced 20 variations of "Newt Gingrich announced his proposal today for reducing the budget of the Transportation Department ..." And, ZEDILLO'S STRATEGY -- MEXICANS MUST BE CONVINCED OF NEED FOR SACRIFICES produced a dozen of these: "To appease the gods and help the sagging economony, the new Mexican president called today for a return to ritual Aztec killings of virgins . . . "

Fourth Runner-Up: SPIRITS RISE ALONG WITH THE TEMPERATURES -- District residents were horrified yesterday to discover that, as the temperatures climbed into the sixties, the dead were rising from their graves to enjoy the weather. (Arthur C. Adams, Laurel)

Third Runner-Up: JOHNSON CONNECTS FOR 42 -- Wilt Chamberlain today claimed that he had broken his own one-day scoring record ... (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Second Runner-Up: WARM UP THOSE ZAMBONIS -- Doctors at the Centers for Disease Control issued a warning today that hundreds of Americans will suffer from salmonella poisoning unless they properly heat zambonis before eating. "Salmonella thrive in the popular Italian snacks ..." (Jerry A. Pohl, Rockville)

First Runner-Up: WOMAN FATALLY SHOT IN SOUTHEAST -- Decency prohibits us from saying precisely where Mrs. Anna Koster was shot, but ... (Saul Jay Singer, Silver Spring)

And the winner of the Elvis guitar clock:

DOING A NUMBER ON D.C. -- It remained unclear today whether Congress intends to do a No. 1 or a No. 2 ... (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Honorable Mentions:

GINGRICH FIRES HIS PICK FOR HOUSE HISTORIAN -- In a farewell salute to Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders ... (John Kammer, Herndon)

MARILYN QUAYLE SPEAKS OUT ON GRAMM, ALEXANDER -- Citing a need to "return to those values that made America the technological leader of the world," the former vice president's wife quoted her husband: "We must remember our landmark achievements such as Thomas Edison's light bulb and the invention of the Bell telephone by, ah, that guy with the beard, ah, you know, Alexander Gramm. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel; also, Robin D. Grove, Washington)

THE `VIRTUAL DAD' -- Michael Jackson announced today that he was "virtually a father," and that his wife, Lisa Marie, would get pregnant just as soon as they started having sex. (Joseph Romm, Washington)

WHY NOT YOU ASK? -- What's wrong with this, headline? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

DESPERATE DEMOCRATS SCRAMBLE IN TIGHT JOB MARKET -- How bad is it for out-of-work Democrats? Ask Mack O'Donnell, former top aide to Dan Rostenkowski, as he stands at the grill of the Clipper Diner, whipping up an omelet ... (Fred Dawson, Beltsville)

FIRST LADY, EYE TO EYE WITH HERSELF -- A controversial oil painting of Hillary Clinton, in the style of Picasso, was unveiled today ... (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

BETTER HANDLE ON D.C. HOMICIDES -- The total amount wagered on D.C. homicide totals reached a record high last year, as a flurry of late wagers on the District's 1994 murder tally pushed the pool's total "handle" past the $100,000 mark. (Michael J. Hammer, Washington; also, Saul J. Singer, Silver Spring)

PEACE ACCORD JEOPARDIZED IN BOSNIA -- In a humanitarian visit to war-torn Sarajevo, Alex Trebek said to a group of Muslims, "It doesn't stand a chance here in Bosnia," and the throng shouted back, "What is the peace accord?" (Diego Hernandez, Montgomery Village)

THE REAL "BELOVED"? Antonie Brentano (1780-1969) -- Reputed to be the secret lover of Ludwig van Beethoven, Antonie Brentano lived to be 189 years old and died after dropping some bad acid at Woodstock. (David Howison, Lexington, Va.)

GOP OUTLINES BROAD WELFARE REFORM ... Programs for kids and minorities also affected. (Jack M. Rudolph, Charlottesville)

BLAZERS DRIVE PAST SKIDDING BULLETS -- In the latest fad to hit the D.C. streets, teams of teenagers speed in Chevy trucks past their opponents, who shoot at their tires ... (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

THINGS TO WATCH FOR IN THE DAYS AFTER BIRTH -- Infants are being advised to watch for bare breasts shortly after birth, as this is where their food sources are ... (Jerry Pannullo, Chevy Chase)

LEAD ATTORNEYS FOR SAUERBREY ARE REPLACED -- Would-be governor Ellen Sauerbrey continued to demonstrate her mettle by replacing her lead attorneys with lawyers fashioned from tin and gold. According to a Sauerbrey spokesperson, the new attorneys are expected to be more malleable. (Rick Wasser, Sterling)

HOW DO THEY LIKE THEM APPLES? While Intel has finally solved the math problems of its Pentium chip, a similar problem has just been found in the new line of Apple computers' word-check functions. The Macintosh will occasionally miss correcting a mistake, and will also change something that doesn't need to be corrected, such as changing "We are fine" to "We is fine." (Kevin Cuddihy, Blacksburg)

And Last:

LOAN GUARANTEES GET CAUTIOUS HILL BACKING -- "The Washington Post has published one of the most boring headlines I've ever seen," according to Elden Carnahan of Laurel. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

NEXT WEEK: Stick It In Your Era.